If Artemis Was
by pixies.rock.hard
Summary: If Artemis was Obama's idol, what the hell would happen to the world? What if Artemis decided to design his own clothing line? What would happen if Arty worked at Mcdonald's? Find out in this new random PRH original! R
1. A Cashier in McDonald's

If Artemis Was…

WELCOME, MY DEAR READERS. BEFORE I CONTINUE AND FINISH MY FANFICS, I WOULD POST THIS FANFICTION TO WHERE I WOULD DUMP ALL MY RANDOM IDEAS BLOCKING MY MIND HERE. WARNING: MIGHT POST HARMFUL, POISONOUS CONTENT TO CHILDREN BELOW 100 (hehehe).

**If Artemis Was…**

**A McDonald's Cashier.**

"Welcome to McDonald's ma'am. I am Artemis, your cashier for the day. How may I help you?" The attractive boy said under his McDonald's 24 hours open hat. His mouth was under a permanent smirk.

"Um, I'll have a Choco Fudge Sundae with a Coke Float to go with it, and maybe some large fries and chicken nuggets. What'll you have Tru?" Artemis stared at the 3 ft. tall girl with a crew cut and ear muffs hiding her ears as the young girl consulted her male companion which was equally tall as her for his order.

"I'll have a Pepsi with McSpaghetti. I want the happy meal!" The boy said with a squeal. The girl turned back to Artemis.

"Yeah, that'll be all."

"That would be 19 dollars." The pale youth said. He didn't even touch the cashier register with a built in calculator. The girl handed a 100 dollar bill. "I received $100. Here's your change." He handed 81 dollars to the rather short girl.

Then, he went to the coke machine and filled up a cup. He struggled not to slip as he walked to the ice cream machine. Why oh why did he have to be alone in manning the store. He filled the cup with Coke with ice cream, which overflowed and spilled. He glanced at his customer and gave an embarrassed grin. He struggled to pull out a cup for the sundae and ended up being thrown across the counter. At least now he removed ALL the cups. He filled it with ice cream, thankfully it didn't spill. He took the chocolate syrup and squirted fudge on the ice cream. The thing was, nothing came out. He put it towards his face and checked if there was something blocking the tube. Well, there was nothing all right, because he accidentally squirted all the fudge into his face. Ignoring the mess, he grabbed a prepared (thankfully) box of nuggets and spaghetti. He went to the fries dispenser. Great, Arty ran out of containers for the fries. He grabbed the cup for the sundae and smashed fries there. Lastly, he took a Madagascar Alex squishy toy. He struggled back to the counter.

"Here's your float, your nuggets, fries, spaghetti, Pepsi and your sundae. We ran out of fudge. Thank you, come again." Artemis said out of breath. Then he slipped. Yes, that's right. He slipped for no reason at all. He struggled to stand upright; the customer was still there.

"Yes ma'am?"

"Artemis, wait 'till show the whole LEP the video from my Iris Cam right now." Artemis went slack jawed as the girl removed her hat and ear muffs to reveal auburn hair and pointed ears.

"See ya' later Arty!" Trouble Kelp said, then erupted into peals of uncontrollable laughter with Holly.


	2. Obama's inspiration to rule America

If Artemis Was…

I don't care if nobody read my fic yet. I can't stop writing.

**If Artemis Was…**

**Obama's Inspiration to Rule America.**

"Sir," The President's secretary gushed. "You have an interview with CNN in five minutes."

"Yeah, yeah" Barrack Obama is the President of the United States. He has been the cover of countless magazines, the subject of thousands of newspaper articles and the interviewee in numerous talk shows. He is one busy man. But what is keeping him so occupied now? His C Cube of course.

Obama fingered and traced every inch of the little cardboard box that has TV screens, buttons and a lot of other stuff drawn on it with a Sharpie. He squealed with delight.

"Sir, the CNN news team is here! And Inside Edition wants to talk to you!!!!!!!!!!!" Obama rolled his eyes and shoved his makeshift C Cube in a drawer where 3 books of Artemis Fowl, a notebook where he writes his Fan Fictions and a Styrofoam neutrino remain hidden. (Man, I thought I was an addict)

"Come in." A camera man, a reporter in a desperate imitation of Rihanna's coat and a boom microphone man entered the main office of the White House.

"Good afternoon, Mr. President. Would like to start immediately?" The first black president nodded. "Very well then sir." She faced the camera man, who prepared the camera.

"Good afternoon. This is Holly McShort," Suddenly Obama became very interested. "Reporter for CNN and I am here now in the office of the president of America, Mr. Barrack Obama." She turned to the expectant man.

"Now sir, what do you intend to do about the illegal satellites that are being launched into space, sir?"

"Well, I intend to put my C Cube out and order it to track all illegal satellites orbiting Earth. Once I found them I would send an elite team of LEP officers to bring it down."

"Sir, what exactly are a C Cube and LEP officers?" The reporter asked.

"Well, a C Cube is a device equipped with TV, wireless internet, DVD player, MP3, spy ware; security infringement breaker and can detect any satellites probing. Plus it is protected by an eternity code and it is voice activated. LEP officers are…a confidential group of professionals that are strictly classified without Council clearance."

"Wow. I didn't know America has acquired such advance technology." The reporter gushed. Boy, little did she know. "Mr. President, how do you think we could avoid wars and keep our connection strong?"

"Well, if interspecies war breaks lose, I would connect with the Council and talk out a treaty wherein humans and fairies can live in harmony and peace."

"Sir, fairies? Did I hear correctly?" Holly said an eyebrow arched.

"Yes" Obama said confidently. Holly Short glanced at the boom mic man and gave him a weirdo look.

"Okay…" Ms. McShort said. There was a knock on the door.

"Well, Holly, I need to go. I am after all, the president. I am a very busy man."

"Thank you for your time Mr. Obama." They shook hands, and the crew turned to go.

"Oh, and Holly," Obama said before they left. "Say hi to Artemis and Trouble"

The boom mic man, the camera guy and Holly McShort looked at each other.

"Well, I didn't know the president knew my daughter Artemis." Holly said. "And how much trouble she gets in."


	3. A Hippie

If Artemis Was…

Well, since y'all like this idea I just wanted you all to know that I had this idea while attending Mass in our parish church. I need suggestions.

**If Artemis Was…**

**A Hippie**

Arty here, writing in my totally rad diary of the soul. Today was a very calm, peaceful day, dude. I was chopping making some carrot smoothie for peace of mind when Sister Holly poofed in midair. Like poof as in _pring! Poof!_

"Welcome, Sister Holly. Would you care for some rejuvenating smoothie for the inner body within?" I said, spreading my peace.

"Um, Arty, are you okay?" Sister Holly said.

"That's guru Arty, young one." I corrected as Sister Holly gave me a look.

"What's up with the braids, head and wrist bands and t-shirt with peace signs? And..Guru?"

"I have unleashed true happiness for my soul and achieved a higher lever of spirituality."

Then, Sister Holly poured all the contents of the blender into my pants. It felt very peaceful.

Tomorrow I shall give up my guru title to the higher spirits and tell them I prefer Armani Suits.

Peace Out!

Arty.

I wasn't able to continue that sentence with the sentence in the summary with HMF name. Before you ask questions, no SHIPPING.

Yes, I know it's stupid.


	4. A Fashion Designer

If Artemis Was….

He he... BTW, please ignore the fact that Artemis Fowl lives in the 21st century and Angelina Jolie and Miley Cyrus are probably dead. (squee! On the Miley being dead thing.)

**If Artemis Was…**

**A Fashion Designer.**

"We're here, at Harbor Hotel where there is a spectacular fashion show taking place where everyone who's everyone is at. From Taylor Swift to Angelina Jolie, this amazing clothing line has attracted the biggest names in the industry…" The reporter said, feeling very smug she got the celebrity fashion segment in the news. "Of course, the master behind this fashion phenomenon is no other than European fashion designer-slash-billionaire Artemis Fowl the Second."

"What ya' doing, horse?" Holly said, as she entered the Ops Booth. Foaly closed the laptop immediately.

"Nothing, elf." What? He had to say something about the horse comment.

"Elf? This has got to be how low you get." Holly snorted. Then Foaly's laptop started playing I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt song thingy. "Well, I stand corrected. What's that in the laptop?"

"Eh, nothing, just mud man news."

"Oh. Well, then, I'm off to the surface. When's the nearest hotshot?"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Paparazzo was perhaps the second most annoying thing in the world. The first was Mulch Diggums. Artemis Fowl tried to answer every question, but it seemed that every time he answers one, a thousand more comes.

"Master Fowl, how did this clothing line start?"

"Sir, was this inspired by your rumored girl friend Miley Cyrus?"

"Mr. Fowl, is it true that you imitated your designs from Armani coats?"

"Bubblegum!"

Artemis rolled his eyes. He has got to make a list of annoying things in the world and beneath it. Seriously, Miley Cyrus? Artemis struggled his way through the crowd towards the limousine. (Not actually, since Butler shoved them all away) From the hotel, the young genius went to his after party-slash-press conference in La Bella Italia.

0o0o0o0o00o0o0o0o

Artemis looked at the crowd. They were all very formal in the clothing line he patronized. No security alerts, money is cashing in at his bank accounts at alarming paces and he is now world renowned. Juliet better start preparing her taste buds.

This started all in a little dare. Once upon a time Juliet said that Artemis had a bad taste in fashion, wearing the same thing everyday, over and over again. So when Artemis got annoyed since she started writing remarks about his choice of clothing everywhere, from the walls to his breakfast (cereal formed into the words 'get some real clothes doffs') Artemis devised a way to make her shut up. Juliet ended up making a deal wherein if Artemis could prove he has an excellent style in fashion in 3 months Juliet would eat Beckett's feet. If not, Artemis would say I love you to Holly and propose to Minerva. Of course Artemis would never say no to a challenge.

So here he is, dining with Domenico Dolce & Stefano Gabbana and other people that Juliet would be dying to even just breathe the same air with. He is so gloating over Juliet. Oh well, time to flatter the guests. He stood up.

"Good evening everyone." Artemis nodded, then paused as he stared at a peculiar scene on the far corner of the room where in Lady Gaga was adding her own twist to Artemis' design by tying the tie on her waist instead of her neck and pouring some juice on Akon's pants. "I hope everyone enjoyed the fashion show and the food.

"As we all know, I have just released a brand new fashion brand appropriate for all ages, for all occasions. I daresay it is the most effective item of fashion that is comfortable, formal and appropriate. You could even travel 4 continents; embark on a trip to an underground city and save someone in the Antarctic in those tailored pants." Everyone laughed at this. Artemis was dead serious though.

"I would like to thank a few people who made this possible, and a huge success. Thank you to my dear friend Juliet who inspired this clothing line and gave me the motivation. She was something to look forward to after all of this is finish," He grinned at his own private joke. "I would also like to thank the Kardashian sisters for being the face of this brand. I would also like to announce that in a week, A.H.M. Collection would be going world wide."

His privileged guests clapped their hands.

"Master Fowl, you wouldn't mind me asking, what does A.H.M. stands for?" A man who is important enough to be on Artemis' table said.

"Well, it's simply Artemis Holly and Miner-"Artemis started, but was interrupted by a raging woman who was rather fat.

"I LOVE YOU!" Then kissed the genius right in the lips. Just before the security guards dragged the lunatic fan away, she managed to sprinkle juice all over Artemis' pants.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Well Juliet, why don't you call Beckett now." Artemis gloated smugly as Butler's sister called for Beckett.

"Halo Julie" Beckett squealed as he ran inside with all his fingers inside his mouth.

Juliet closed her eyes, grabbed his feet and started to lick Beckett's disgusting, unwashed 'piggies'

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Well, Commander, I'm on my way to Dubai. I'm approaching mudman territory, sir." Holly mumbled into her earpiece.

"Captain, just go to the address Foaly would give you." There was static. Holly was not answering.

"Holly? Hello? Holly!"

Holly was in no state to answer. Her mouth was open in shock.

"Commander I think I need a vacation. I'm seeing millions of Artemises around me." Then she fainted, the vision of young kindergarteners playing skip rope in ties.


	5. Bored and Decided to Prank EVERYONE

If Artemis Was…

I want you all to know I get my inspirations from bunch of diffy forums ( , AFC etc..) But some are originals…like this one. I already have a list of If Artemis Was chapters…I just have to make stories out of them. I already have 24.

* * *

**If Artemis Was…**

**Bored And Decided To Pull Pranks On Everyone**

Artemis was bored. He already broke 3 encryptions, broke into 18 bank accounts, patented an invention, painted 4 impressionism paintings and spied on Foaly. He still has 23 hours left in the day to spend.

The phone rang.

"Hello, Fowl Manor. Artemis Fowl speaking." He said rather drowsily.

"Dude, this is you mommy speaking." A ridiculous masculine voice imitating one's of a female said.

"Mother? You sound different."Artemis said.

"Dude, what kind of idiot are you? This is a prank call!" There were peals of boisterous laughter that broke at the other end of the line. Then they hung up. Stupid teenagers and their mindless games, Artemis thought.

Why not do it to Holly? He smiled to himself and tried to control laughter just on the thought of it. He got a directory of the People that came from Foaly's carelessly open files. Sort of like Yellow Pages, but in this case it says Lower Elements, and the pages were blue. He looked for S and scrolled down to the one and only Short listed in the S page, then he dialed.

682-1850-880

"Trouble not now, I'm TRYING to wash my clothes! If you want you can call 558-709-277 and try to flirt with the person who answers. Ha!" A familiar voice screeched into Artemis' ear. Wasn't 558-709-277 his phone number? He put that in his mind. Here goes…

"Um, hey I'm sorry this ain't Trubs." Ain't? Artemis was really bored. "This is, um, the LEP Lottery Unit. Yeah…um, you can claim your cash prize if you answer this question…" Kind of lame, but can you blame the amateur prankster? Artemis got a recorder and stuck it on the communicator. "Say "I Love You Trouble Kelp"" There was silence at the other end and then…

"I Love You Trouble Kelp? HA, is this some kind of joke?" Artemis hung up. He had, what do kids call it these days? Blackmail material. He chuckled, now all he has to do is find a way to make it embarrassing.

He hacked into Foaly's sound system. Minutes later, every floor, room and bathroom echoed with Holly's unmistakable voice. "I love you Trouble Kelp? I love you Trouble Kelp? I love you Trouble Kelp? I love you Trouble Kelp..." There was laughter everywhere, especially in the men's locker rooms.

Artemis smiled to himself for a long time, feeling somewhat satisfied. Holly on the other hand, had a very dangerous fit of rage.

* * *

**Trouble's Office**

"We're getting revenge." A very shrill Holly Short with blazing eyes declared to poor Trouble Kelp in his office, or what used to be his. The Commander's office was now the result of kicking, slamming and ripping of our beloved temperamental elf.

"Man, I feel sorry for Fowl already. What do you suggest, _sweetie pie_?" Kelp ended his joke with boisterous laughter.

"That's NOT funny!"

"You know what, Holly? Why don't you go to Foaly. He's better at this than anyone. He's the expert." Trouble mused. "I'm not in the mood for vendettas right now. We still have the Opal thingo."

Holly left the office and trudged her way to Foaly's Ops Room. Trouble felt sorry for every officer she passes who called her Mrs. Kelp.

* * *

**Fowl Manor**

Artemis had so much fun he has ever had that he decided to continue his game. He hacked further into Foaly's system and discovered a little something called Security Cameras. Well, well, well, a security camera in the ladies' locker room. His grin widened. He zoomed in a locker with flower doodles on the door and opened locker A46. Holly would be so dead; or rather he was when Holly finds out.

Who knew Holly was a cap D? It surely looked smaller with LEP uniform.

His phone rang.

"Hello, Minerva Paradizo speaking. Is Artemis Fowl home?"

"Yes, speaking. What is it Minnie?" Artemis said, interrupted from his work.

"I'm coming over, would you mind cooking up a snack for us?" Artemis paled up. Butler wasn't home and he lied to Minerva about a Culinary Degree.

"Yes, sure. Whatever makes you happy?" He said, and then hung up. He immediately left his study and started to try to make something edible.

**

* * *

Front Door of Fowl Manor**

There was a knock on the door. Artemis felt a chill down his spine. He rushed to the main entrance without even thinking how he looked like.

He opened the door.

Instead of Minerva Paradizo, Holly Short stood with a camera and an evil smile.

"I love Trouble Kelp." After she said this, she shimmered out of sight.

**

* * *

Paradizo Chateau**

_I wonder what Artemis is doing right now, _Minerva thought as she searched him in the internet. There were tons of information, sites and ads from and about him. Yet there were a very few photos. The young genii opened up Google and clicked images.

Minnie tried to stifle her laughter as she stared at a picture of Artemis, covered in what looked like icing surprised by whatever is taking the photo.

She sent the picture to everyone she knows.

* * *

this is the partner of the gg fic il post tom.


	6. my homeroom adviser

If Artemis Was

A/N: here's hoping _my _own homeroom doesn't read this, because this thing was made to insult him. BTW this fic is from my POV. I altered some names.

**If Artemis Was**

**My Homeroom Teacher.**

"Good Morning class. I am Mr. Artemis Fowl II. You can call me Sir, Mr., Sir Fowl, Mr. Fowl but never Teacher Arty." He said with his European accent. My classmates bit their lips and giggles. "I would be your homeroom adviser for the next school year. Now, you can do whatever want in my class but never, ever, ever mock me. I don't like students mocking me" (My GAY teacher said the same thing on the first day of school.) "I am not your friend. I am your teacher, your BOSS. If you mock me, I would fire you."

"Now…"

My teacher kept babbling on about the Swine flu precautions our school would be taking. How GAY is this guy? '_Your boss_!' Ha-ha. I'm mocking him in my head. '_Don't mock me because I'm beautiful' _

"… Now everybody stand up. Imagine there's a faucet in front of you. Now start washing hands. First put your hand on top of the other and rub it. Interlace your fingers everyone! Germs hide in hard to reach places..."

Oh my gosh! He's teaching us to wash our hands. How fun.

-

Recess

"Hey Sophia! Wait up!" I screamed running to Sophia. "What's your section?"

"T'boli. Our homeroom rocks. Who's yours?"

"Why did you even ask? This gay guy from Ireland. He has this crazy accent and has an addiction on swine flu."

"Why don't you prank him, like last year on Ms. Sandino" I grinned.

-

"We would be going down for the grade 7 orientation. First though, I'll distribute some circulars on H1N1." He said as he sat down to get the forms.

"The school would like to-"poott_…_ Artemis stopped abruptly as he released gas louder than Mulch. Everybody burst into laughter. I grinned at Aeriel.

"Garlic," I said tossing the spice once. "Criminal mastermind's secret. You'll never get caught."


	7. Attacked by fan girls from all over the

If Artemis Was…

Oh, I'll enjoy this. P.S. All usernames, names and locations have been altered a little (or I tried to), but if you go to or AFC you'll know who I'm referring to. For those names who have not been altered, I have full permission to use them (some of it anyway) 

**If Artemis Was **

**Attacked by fan girls from all over the world.**

Leah scanned the new topics on the forum index of and clicked on a topic where in there was a discussion on a very important announcement. As Leah read Savvy's post, her smile widens.

_There is going to be an Artemis Fowl convention held in Houston, Texas. Fans all around the world would be coming in this once in a lifetime opportunity. On the last day of the convention, there would be a dinner party for AFC, EC and members. Everyone is invited. I am also very pleased to announce that we had raised enough funds to give away 50 tickets each forum this including hotel accommodations and plane fares if it applies. In effect, there's going to be a contest…_

Leah couldn't wait.

**Fowl Manor**

Unconsciously typing his name in the Google search bar, Artemis Fowl ended up in a very alarming mud man website. It was filled with dangerously accurate information about fairies. There was even a discussion on which the genius boy was meant to be with, Holly or Minerva. It was a lively debate, one with strong points and- _OH MY GOD WHY AM I READING THIS? _Artemis thought as he scrolled through the sex difficulties if it did end up with A/H.

He exited General Discussion and double clicked News and Announcement. There was one labeled sticky with over a thousand replies to it. The topic was "Artemis Fowl Convention and Contest". Artemis raised an eyebrow. There was a convention. A convention about him, Artemis Fowl, that's going to be held at Texas. There was even a contest for it and thousands have joined. He scrolled through the activities and booths that were in store for the convention. _Are you stronger than Butler? _Strength booths, _Hit Mulch's butt _game stalls, _Whack-a-Koboi _arcades were a few of the frivolities happening at the event.

The contest to get tickets was quite simple. All they had to do was explain why or why not Artemis should end up with Holly/Minerva in less than 500 words and send it to .

Artemis decided to come and _crash the party._

**Artemis Fowl Con, SMX Convention Center, Houston, Texas**

Artemis surveyed back from his hiding place. Girls and boys wearing Fowl is Fair shirts, others were wearing custom made shirts with the prints "Arty's Girl" or "Anti-Minerva". There was even one wearing a hat with a Styrofoam banner attached to it saying "Holly and Trouble 4EVER!"

Artemis crept behind the "Adopt a Jayjay" booth, trying to hide survey the area. He tried to think of possible explanations for this peculiar convention but the screeches of lemurs and cats-disguised-as-lemurs made it hard to think. He decided to just simply blend in the crowd, video what he observed and send it to Foaly. He is not going to Foaly with just a guess. He simply stepped into the crowd…

…which was a big mistake if you had rave black hair, pale skin and you're stepping into a room full of delusional fan girls dressed in expensive custom made shirts paid from their allowance just to show how devoted they are.

A petite girl approached the clueless genius. "Hi my name's Leah!" Then she started blabbering very quickly. "OhMyGodICan'tBelieveIt! YouLookJustLikeArtemisFowl! WhatForumDoYouGoTo? IGoToEC, MyUsernameIsChoco_Cream_Puffz! IBetYou'reD_Tan_Man! Anyways, DoYouLikeMyShirt? AreYouA/HorA/M?????? I'mA/MandH/T!!!! MaybeYou'reANoneShipper..."She kept on blabbering.

While Leah remained star struck, every single girl in the roomed screamed and started chasing Artemis. He had a millisecond to raise his eyebrows in confusion, absorb the scenario, figure out what to do, turn around and run.

Artemis Fowl ran for his life, a thousand screaming girls in his trail. Of course he can't outrun them. He can't even out run Swiper from Dora whilst his pursuers were varies of bookworms, cheerleaders, award-winning ballerinas, volley ball players and more. He can't outrun them, but he can outsmart them (some of them anyway).

He looked around for nooks he can hide our diversions he can create as he passed booths and astonished people. As he passed a small table where EC, AFC members where supposed to meet, he had a brain wave. If these people were so addicted to him and aware of the existence of the people then they would definite fall for this.

"Look over there, isn't that Mulch and Opal making out in the roof?!" He yelled the most peculiar thing he could think of, which was a secret relationship between a flatulent imbecile and a deranged pixie. He ran for his life towards a deserted stall where he could hide and call for help.

"Hey! Arty's just distracting us!" A muscled girl in her teens called. The girl's name was Foxy. She was the star player of the women's football league of Reagan high school. Artemis Fowl books were a secret passion she and her teammates shared. She whistled to her teammates who were wearing uniformed custom shirts with a print that stated "Jade Princesses! You rock Juliet!" in large hot pink letters. They ran after the poor genius.

Artemis couldn't run anymore. He was out of breath and his shirt had sweat marks in them already. Just when he was a bout to stop, he tripped over a Pepsi can. He fell to the floor.

Before he could stand up, 7 heavy girls piled on top of him, very like of a football move. He struggled to breath and move.

"Could I have a picture?" Someone in the middle of the pile said.

**St. Luke's Medical Hospital**

Minerva and Holly barged simultaneously into the door of Artemis' ward. The two girls eventually got stuck at the door and started bickering. Artemis looked through his black eye what was the commotion was all about.

_Wait 'till I show them the thread in . _Artemis thought as he tried to ignore the pain from his bruised body that was used to play tug of war by hundreds of fanatics wanting a picture.

**HELLO ******


	8. Chapter 8

If Artemis Was…

Oh, I'll enjoy this. P.S. All usernames, names and locations have been altered a little (or I tried to), but if you go to or AFC you'll know who I'm referring to. For those names who have not been altered, I have full permission to use them (some of it anyway) 

**If Artemis Was **

**Attacked by fan girls from all over the world.**

Leah scanned the new topics on the forum index of and clicked on a topic where in there was a discussion on a very important announcement. As Leah read Savvy's post, her smile widens.

_There is going to be an Artemis Fowl convention held in Houston, Texas. Fans all around the world would be coming in this once in a lifetime opportunity. On the last day of the convention, there would be a dinner party for AFC, EC and members. Everyone is invited. I am also very pleased to announce that we had raised enough funds to give away 50 tickets each forum this including hotel accommodations and plane fares if it applies. In effect, there's going to be a contest…_

Leah couldn't wait.

**Fowl Manor**

Unconsciously typing his name in the Google search bar, Artemis Fowl ended up in a very alarming mud man website. It was filled with dangerously accurate information about fairies. There was even a discussion on which the genius boy was meant to be with, Holly or Minerva. It was a lively debate, one with strong points and- _OH MY GOD WHY AM I READING THIS? _Artemis thought as he scrolled through the sex difficulties if it did end up with A/H.

He exited General Discussion and double clicked News and Announcement. There was one labeled sticky with over a thousand replies to it. The topic was "Artemis Fowl Convention and Contest". Artemis raised an eyebrow. There was a convention. A convention about him, Artemis Fowl, that's going to be held at Texas. There was even a contest for it and thousands have joined. He scrolled through the activities and booths that were in store for the convention. _Are you stronger than Butler? _Strength booths, _Hit Mulch's butt _game stalls, _Whack-a-Koboi _arcades were a few of the frivolities happening at the event.

The contest to get tickets was quite simple. All they had to do was explain why or why not Artemis should end up with Holly/Minerva in less than 500 words and send it to .

Artemis decided to come and _crash the party._

**Artemis Fowl Con, SMX Convention Center, Houston, Texas**

Artemis surveyed back from his hiding place. Girls and boys wearing Fowl is Fair shirts, others were wearing custom made shirts with the prints "Arty's Girl" or "Anti-Minerva". There was even one wearing a hat with a Styrofoam banner attached to it saying "Holly and Trouble 4EVER!"

Artemis crept behind the "Adopt a Jayjay" booth, trying to hide survey the area. He tried to think of possible explanations for this peculiar convention but the screeches of lemurs and cats-disguised-as-lemurs made it hard to think. He decided to just simply blend in the crowd, video what he observed and send it to Foaly. He is not going to Foaly with just a guess. He simply stepped into the crowd…

…which was a big mistake if you had rave black hair, pale skin and you're stepping into a room full of delusional fan girls dressed in expensive custom made shirts paid from their allowance just to show how devoted they are.

A petite girl approached the clueless genius. "Hi my name's Leah!" Then she started blabbering very quickly. "OhMyGodICan'tBelieveIt! YouLookJustLikeArtemisFowl! WhatForumDoYouGoTo? IGoToEC, MyUsernameIsChoco_Cream_Puffz! IBetYou'reD_Tan_Man! Anyways, DoYouLikeMyShirt? AreYouA/HorA/M?????? I'mA/MandH/T!!!! MaybeYou'reANoneShipper..."She kept on blabbering.

While Leah remained star struck, every single girl in the roomed screamed and started chasing Artemis. He had a millisecond to raise his eyebrows in confusion, absorb the scenario, figure out what to do, turn around and run.

Artemis Fowl ran for his life, a thousand screaming girls in his trail. Of course he can't outrun them. He can't even out run Swiper from Dora whilst his pursuers were varies of bookworms, cheerleaders, award-winning ballerinas, volley ball players and more. He can't outrun them, but he can outsmart them (some of them anyway).

He looked around for nooks he can hide our diversions he can create as he passed booths and astonished people. As he passed a small table where EC, AFC members where supposed to meet, he had a brain wave. If these people were so addicted to him and aware of the existence of the people then they would definite fall for this.

"Look over there, isn't that Mulch and Opal making out in the roof?!" He yelled the most peculiar thing he could think of, which was a secret relationship between a flatulent imbecile and a deranged pixie. He ran for his life towards a deserted stall where he could hide and call for help.

"Hey! Arty's just distracting us!" A muscled girl in her teens called. The girl's name was Foxy. She was the star player of the women's football league of Reagan high school. Artemis Fowl books were a secret passion she and her teammates shared. She whistled to her teammates who were wearing uniformed custom shirts with a print that stated "Jade Princesses! You rock Juliet!" in large hot pink letters. They ran after the poor genius.

Artemis couldn't run anymore. He was out of breath and his shirt had sweat marks in them already. Just when he was a bout to stop, he tripped over a Pepsi can. He fell to the floor.

Before he could stand up, 7 heavy girls piled on top of him, very like of a football move. He struggled to breath and move.

"Could I have a picture?" Someone in the middle of the pile said.

**St. Luke's Medical Hospital**

Minerva and Holly barged simultaneously into the door of Artemis' ward. The two girls eventually got stuck at the door and started bickering. Artemis looked through his black eye what was the commotion was all about.

_Wait 'till I show them the thread in . _Artemis thought as he tried to ignore the pain from his bruised body that was used to play tug of war by hundreds of fanatics wanting a picture.

**HELLO ******


	9. Chapter 9

If Artemis Was

Credits to my sister for thinking of this.

**If Artemis Was**

**A Laundry Man**

"Good Afternoon, sir. Welcome to The TLC laundry shop. We give your clothes Tender Loving Care. How may I help you sir?" Artemis said, in his apron and sneakers.

"The usual Arty boy!" said the jolly old man from down town as he put his laundry basket on top of the counter. "Rinse, wash, dry. Except for the you know whats. I want them hand washed." He put a box beside the basket. It was labeled 'you know what'. "I'll come back for it in 2 hours. Thanks chap" The man left, his balding spot bobbing up and down as he trotted.

Artemis put some soap in the washing machine. He set it to 'rinse, wash, and dry' option and left it to take care of the 'you know what' box.

He put on some gloves and went to fetch the box on top of the counter. He put out some laundry soap, tubs and the hose and went to work.

Artemis opened the box (A/N: I LOVE THIS PART). He was slightly surprised when he saw some panties and thongs inside the box. What was a widower doing with female undergarments? He put them one by one into the tub filled with water. He looked at the box a minute later to realize he wasn't putting out underwear anymore. The box was now left with handkerchiefs. He spread out the hanky before he put it in. The whole thing was submerged with boogers, phlegm and snots. He held them by the tip, wincing, and put them in the water. The hankies ran out and were replaced with dirty boxers and brief. A gangster would say "Those are some sh*tty undergarments dude." All Artemis did though was submerged them quickly into the basin. The box was almost empty. The final layer was dirty gym socks Mr. Barnes probably used for jogging. It smelled like hell. Artemis hastily tilted all the box contents, not bothering to put them in one by one and left the hand laundry room with checking the washing machine as an excuse.

Artemis opened the door…

…and was almost drowned with bubbles. He realized he put in to much detergent powder into the jolly man's laundry. He tried to fight the soap, making his way through.

"I QUIT!" He shouted, all the bubbles going into his mouth.

A/N: here's the reason why Artemis is doing all these silly jobs, tasks and errands. Here's my muse PRH explaining. (PRH appears _exclusively_ for The Wonderful World of High School. It's his guest appearance for IAW)

PRH: We have no idea what you're talking about.... *hides voodoo doll of Artemis in closet*

Artemis: so you're the one! *talks to butler* She made me wash snotty hankies and serve happy meals!

Butler: Come here you!

PRH: aaahh*melts while Butler is two km away from her*


	10. Chapter 10

If Artemis Was

I was inspired when I renamed my file "If Artemis Was attacked by fan girls" into "If Artemis Was a fan girl". Enjoy. I try not to clash idea with the other what if Artemis was Fics. My ideas are one hundred percent original.

**If Artemis Was **

**A Fan Girl**

"We clearly, I mean, _I_ clearly have to do something about it as I am the one always doing all the work!" Artemis spat, screaming at Holly who was seated at the opposite couch, also angry.

"If you think you're doing all the work around here why don't you stop Opal Koboi all by yourself! Maybe your little _girlfriend_ could help you!"

Artemis was about to snap another comment when he suddenly had a rush of _something. _It was close to adrenaline, but something crazier with a deranged twist.

"OMG! Isn't Artemis soooo hot? Like sizzling hot," The boy genius put his finger on his butt and made a sizzling sound. "Neither Holly or Minerva should have him! He's mine! I would comb his raven hair everyday. I would choose his tie everyday for the rest of our married life! Then I would kick that sissy Minerva out of Europe and make her clean Mulch's ass! MWAHAHAHA! Though if I really had to choose, I'm H/A by blood. No, make that A/M. Who cares? He's mine! MINE! MIINNNNEEE!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Then the pale youth ran around in circles, starting kissing his self portraits. When he finally got tired he slipped into Holly's lap and started snoring.

"What the hell did you eat!?" Holly said particularly to herself, having second thoughts of taking another bite of the sandwich Butler offered her.


	11. controlled by shippers

If Artemis Was

Don't go complaining on me that Artemis is all OOC. That's what this is about, honey. By the way, all OCs in this chapter are fictional characters.

* * *

**If Artemis Was **

**Obliged to the Commands of Two Raving Shippers**

Robyne clasped her hands together. It was time to test her science fair project. She turned some knobs, pushed some buttons and twisted the wheel. White glaring fuzz appeared on the monitor the device was uplinked to. Quite slowly, the disturbance dissolved to an eyeball image of a study. Below a string of words ran. It was as if Robyne was inside the person's brain, and the thoughts of that person were bared in the words below.

"Test, one, two, three" she breathed to the microphone.

The image on the monitor shook, as if the person with the point of view of the study was startled by a voice in the air.

* * *

Artemis sat on the swivel chair in his study. He was meditating. To the average person, it would look like this boy in a plain white tee and khaki pants had been staring into space for the last 5 hours. This was a daily routine for Artemis. If there's anything that would top Opal Koboi in his hat list, it would be someone rudely interrupting his meditative state.

"Test, one, two, three" He fell of the chair and looked wildly around the room. He was alone, and the voice seemed to be coming from the inside.

"Holly? I thought we agreed that you would call before visiting." A chill went down his spine. Minerva was coming over for afternoon tea. His mother would be all too glad to have Holly join the get together, which was a bad thing, because Minerva and Holly was not the best of friends.

"No, I'm, um, your conscience. I'm trying to see if I have any control whatsoever on you."

The Mafiya finally perfected their mind probing equipment! Artemis hurried to the box of tin foil hats Foaly had given him for an advance birthday present. He was too late.

"Stop." The girl voice commanded. Artemis froze in midair for a millisecond then fell to the ground, inches away from the pile of needles he was using for an experiment.

"Now, call Holly with your ring and invite her for afternoon tea." Artemis paled as his finger rose against his will and started pressing Holly's number.

* * *

Jamelia was on a mission to exploit Robyne. Every year she came in second because of that wretched girl. She deserved each and every 1st place medal that Robyne one. Robyne had no morals! Imagine! Artemis and Holly? Impossible! This year would be different.

She peeped into Robyne's window. She was squealing in success, something about afternoon tea. After a while, she left for the bathroom. It was Jamelia's time to ruin her rival's project. She climbed in.

It was a massive hay wire. In fact, it had no show quality at all. There were a jumble of wires and knobs in one box, which was connected to a century old monitor and a microphone that had been fancied from television sound chips. She smirked. Even if she did nothing, she would sure take the medal. There's no harm in being sure though.

On the screen, there was a point of view of a tea table. Across was an unhuman with large hazel eyes.

Oh my God, Jamelia thought, is that, Holly?

She saw Robyne's notebook beside the microphone. _Ability to give orders to fictional characters. Speak commands through the microphone. _ Beside the foot note was a sketch of a fairy communicator.

"Where's Minerva?" Jamelia said, testing the device.

* * *

"Where's Minerva?" The voice changed. Was this the Angel side of his conscience or something?

"Um, She's right beside me." Artemis turned to the French girl beside him.

"You said something, Arty?" Minerva whispered. Angeline was in the middle of prancing about how nice it was for Artemis to have girl friends. It would be normally embarrassing for Artemis if he hadn't been to occupied with the voices in his head.

"Hey! What are you doing here?!" The other voice was back.

"This is my head!"

"I'm ruining you and getting what I deserve!" Was Opal behind this?

"Fuck You! Get out!" The original voice said. Artemis rose up, quite pissed off. His surprised mother stopped in mid-rant.

"Well, FUCK YOU TOO! WHO ARE YOU TO ASK ME TO GET OUT!"

Holly and Minerva stared at their friend. He was wide eyed and switching his gaze from right to left like a crazed lunatic.

"KISS HOLLY NOW!" said the original voice. He stopped and turned slowly to Holly. He jumped on the table, at the same time breaking priceless porcelains. He leaped into Holly, almost squishing her, and pressed his mouth on hers.

"EUW, HELL NO. MAKE OUT WITH MINERVA NOW!"

* * *

Jamelia, in her A/M passion smashed the microphone as she sent out the command. The wires crackled. Then exploded.

"Oh no! You!" Robyne attacked Jamelia, sending both girls into a deep cat fight.

* * *

After Artemis pulled off the voice's last command, he stood up stiffly straight.

"I love Opal Koboi." He said in a girly menacing voice. Then he collapsed.

* * *

Foaly grinned, as he watched the two girls fight over the self destruct button he pushed and Minerva and Holly stare bewilderingly at the unconscious mud boy.

"Opal Koboi, It always works." Foaly chuckled.


End file.
